I Was Just Thinking (2)

Am I well and truly magic? Can only a few see me?

From a young age, I have always been conscious of energies and how I manoeuvre around people and situations, but most importantly, I am selective when it comes to guys. Extremely selective! Maybe even to a fault.

I am fully aware, that for some reason, I am naturally attracted to those who I feel are male reflections of myself. Like a headhunter, I will pick them out. I’ve got patience, I don’t rush the process, but it’s very hard to get my attention, so when it does happen, I find it intriguing 🤔

I’m like a big ball of energy, that needs to be channeled in the right direction, in order to get the best of me. I need a lot of stimulation, in all areas and the selected ones should be able to fulfil this. I seek intelligent, multi-talented, confident, attractive, smiley guys, but on top of that they probably haven’t had the easiest lives. Just like me. Whilst with them, I believe I should be able to unload my shit and they should understand me. We could ride for each other….. 💭 Acceptance finally 🙏🏾 Paired with them, I look to make greatness, because two amazing energies together are better than one right? It appears not. What I find is that they can’t see me in the same way I see them. Instead, it’s as if women are there to fulfil certain needs, they don’t appear to look at them as a whole person in depth, appreciating all their qualities or how they can add to them to make themselves greater. I’ve had them try to restrict me from being my best self in some way, which is how I end up moving alone because I need freedom to be me. I’ve learnt that if I have rejected others who seem genuinely interested in me and wanted to “get to know me” (in the past more so), it was because if I started talking about certain things I would have to face them. On top of that, I didn’t believe they genuinely could care about me and I feared they may not have good intentions for me with the information I would share. Opening up to someone else can leave you feeling vulnerable if you haven’t reached a level within yourself where you own your own pain, hurt and experiences completely. The last thing you need is for someone to hold you hostage with “secrets”, which is why I don’t have any; and I will have no one make me feel like my tongue has been cut out my mouth.

Maybe, I shouldn’t really put such a high value on men deep down, but I’ve never experienced love and care from a male and it feel genuine. Not even family members. I was born into two big families, but you wouldn’t think it. The male relationships are limited. No relationships with the grandads. No Daddy. I only see one of my uncles sometimes. My cousins I don’t see and my only half- brother I have nothing to do with. The only male relationship I’ve really had the opportunity to nourish and be fully transparent in is with my son. That I will forever be thankful for 🙏🏾

Over the years, I’ve learnt something new about myself from each of my selected few. Being an empath, is a blessing and a curse, because in the wrong hands it can be harmful and even though withholding of my true self to men is understandable, it is also a form of protection. I don’t think they could handle it or the things I’ve experienced. My strength and the greatness within me can be intimidating. I shouldn’t have to dumb myself down to make anyone feel comfortable, which is something I’ve had to do in the past and as a result, I am open and honest with those that I need to be; more and more, as time goes on. Not everyone can handle the truth either, so it will take a well rounded guy to be with me. Another thing I find that they don’t seem to realise is that there are still a lot of things that I can learn from them also, as well as them learn from me. We are here to grow together and level up spiritually, in order to become our higher selves. This would take both of us being ready to come out of our own way/s in order to actually be happy.

Just like when I became a Mum, I made a conscious decision to be more emotionally expressive, as I didn’t want my son to ever have to question whether or not he was loved. I try to treat my potentials how I would like to be treated. Loving and treating your partner good is the best thing you can do in a relationship. Feeling loved has you operating on some next levels. It has you feeling like you can do and be anything, even more so than you thought you could before. That is one of the reasons I am proactive, I don’t just talk about doing shit, I do them, because actions most definitely speak louder than words. More importantly, your focus should be them and their focus should be you. How can you go wrong like that?

So I ask again: Am I magic? Can only a few see me? …Must be. If not, definitely overlooked lol! Is that a bad thing? …Maybe not. If anything, it makes me more motivated to be great. I just didn’t want to get completely heartless, if that’s even possible. I have a white light and a heart of gold inside of me that some guys have only had a sample of, but I’d love to be able to just openly share it. Until then, it will remain under lock and key. All relationships are a lesson or a blessing and in the end it’s their loss if they can’t see me for all that I am. I’ll just keep learning and sharing via whichever creative outlet I am exploring at the time.

Thank you for taking time to read today and I hope it read well. Trying to communicate something over to someone else so they understand exactly what you’re trying to say is hard sometimes. If you have any thoughts or feelings about what I have shared feel free to comment.

Forever learning and evolving,



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