“We Are Family” (10)

People take certain things for granted but as much as I love to travel, I still haven’t been on a plane.

I’ve been on practically everything else accept a ✈️

Like I told you all in an earlier blogpost, possibly more than once lol, I’ve been looking forward to this year with me turning 34 and my son making his first step into adulthood. Well, I thought the best birthday gift I could give him was something I never had the opportunity to experience as of yet, going on a plane to somewhere hot. You know this boy was not impressed in the least 😲

Disappointment 💔

I love making my loved ones smile and this just burst my bubble 😔

To him it was a waste of money because he wants to build his own computer. He was like:

“Why would you spend money on a week or something somewhere when I’ll use my PC all the time and have it for years!”

Gotta love his logic but bwoi! I believe you must seize opportunities when they come and that experiences are valuable. There are quiet times in your life when all you have are memories. With that said you need to create as many happy memories as possible. I know I’ve had times when I think back to how someone made me feel, things I’ve done and places I’ve been to. They bring you comfort when you least expect because you don’t know when you’ll need to tap into them.

Guess what? I’m not going to dismiss what he said, so PC’s getting sorted 👍🏾

Now that I’ve done my part, as I aim to please ☺️ Do you think he’ll want to go now? 😏

All being well we get this sorted and I can bring my mum along too, she hasn’t been on a plane either. We’ve been out of the country a couple times but I have a list of places I would really like to visit:

  • St Kitts 🇰🇳 (Mama Bear’s family’s birthplace)
  • St Elizabeth, Jamaica 🇯🇲 (The biological’s family’s birthplace)
  • Italy 🇮🇹 (I want to go on the gondolas and definitely for the food lol!)
  • Amsterdam (🤫)
  • Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 (curiosity)
  • Egypt 🇪🇬 (Too many reasons)

That’s just off the top of my head. Travel is the way to my heart. I’m a natural born tourist. Also, I have to look for the perfect location for my beach wedding 🎩 👰🏾 Thoughts become things and all of that 😉

To close, remember memories are valuable and try to capture as many moments as you can with loved ones while you still have them with you. Also, please try your best to be a good memory for someone or people you come into contact with. I know that can be hard, trust me, sometimes people try to draw you out 😒 Up middle finger to them and keep it moving! They don’t deserve your energy.

Love to you all 😘

I hope you enjoyed today’s blogpost and feel free to share your first family holiday experiences or suggestions on nice places for me to consider visiting.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx

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“We Are Family” (9)

Decisions of an 18 year old girl …

Music or my baby 🤔

Are you dumb? There was nothing to think about … my baby hands down 🤱🏽

Let’s go back in time for a minute 💭

Being a singer was always something I wanted to do growing up. From making up songs in the bedroom with my little sis (I Will Show You My Eclipse ☺️ – private joke lol), dancing and singing for the boys in the playground, singing for the older girls around the area to partaking in the odd talent shows here and there. I was always a little shy though but that didn’t stop me.

In December 2001, me and my little sis entered a talent competition at The Grand Hotel on Colmore Row, Birmingham. It was the first time we sang a song we were taught by our vocal tutor, Sophia, without hearing it before. My sis sang the first verse and then I came in. They loved it! They obviously knew it lol! The song was Use Your Heart by SWV. We got in 💃🏽 We were asked to come back the next day to sing again for everyone. We did that and as a result the guy who was organising the talent show, Tucker, introduced us to two of his cousins, a young girl and her big brother, along with two of his friends. They were all rappers and MC’s. We were all put together as a group to work with a guy called Tony Duke. Exciting times!

We started recording music and by the February I found out I was expecting. Whoa 😮 I continued for a little while but in the end I bowed out because there was no way I could continue under my circumstances. There was way too much going on and my support system has always been near enough non-existent. The group disbanded not long after. Sad times 😔

I had to put that all to the back of my mind for a minute because I had a baby to prepare for. I don’t regret my decision for one minute. Sometimes my son used to say to me,

“I wonder what your life would have been like if I wasn’t here?”

What??? That used to break my heart a little bit every time. I don’t think this boy understands even though I used to tell him,

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t want to hear you say that to me again.”

On the surface, it may have sounded dreamy to some degree that I could have had a music career before him but inside I was writing poetry about about being stuck in a box feeling unloved and didn’t know where to turn in order to find the happiness I was seeking. I didn’t talk too much about my life at the time to anyone either. Talking my truth would mean I would have to mention other people because they were involved so I felt trapped for a long time.

Being a mum has allowed me to safely love someone and let go of a lot things that were holding me back emotionally. I’ve grown so much as a person and I continue to grow more and more all the time. He gave me a purpose even when things seemed bleak at times. I’ve overcome things people only hear about on TV and I can confidently say that not a lot of people can walk in my shoes. With all the life experience I have and knowing myself so well I can go forward and pursue certain things that I couldn’t before. My son is grown and less dependent on me so I’m looking forward to the future. We’ve always spoke about my plans, while discussing business ventures together and individually so we’re good 😁

For now I’m just figuring out what direction to take with my music, writing songs, blogging, working on my fitness and sorting out my YouTube channel. Sounds like a plan to me 🏆

I hope you enjoyed today’s post and if you have any stories or thoughts you would like to share with me, feel free.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,
Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (7)

we are fam 7

18.2.18 is my angel baby Shiloh’s 8th birthday 👼🏽

She didn’t get to make it here physically but she means so much to me.  I think about her all the time, I just don’t really talk about it.  Today, I’m just kind of thinking out loud.

I find myself, ever so often, sitting down and wondering what she would have looked like, or sounded like, or what her relationship would have been like with her big brother and if she would have been anything like me.  The world is definitely in need of more Elisha A. Ebanks’ lol!  I wonder if she would have found my stories funny or if she would liked reading or if she could sing ☺️

I giggle to myself sometimes when I remember the day I found out her due date, 18th February 2010, and I thought how magic am I? … What are the chances that my only two babies so far have had birthdays 10 weeks to the day either side of my birthday?  My birthday is the 10th December.  Shomari’s birthday is the 1st October, which is exactly 10 weeks before and Shiloh’s is the 18th February, which is exactly 10 weeks after my birthday.  Amazing ❤️

She came at a time when I was open to change and her presence, even though it was short lived, sparked my journey to self discovery and working towards things that actually made me happy. It was a much needed kick up the ass! Things haven’t been the smoothest all the time since but she is part of my drive to keep succeeding. I know she watches over us. I hope she is proud of me and that she knows her passing was not in vain, as I will continue to try to be the best me I can be at all times because of her.

None of us know when it is our time to go and while we are here, we need to enjoy our lives as much as we can, with those who make us happy ❤️

Her name means Peace, from what I’ve always understood and that is so fitting for us.  Shiloh was obviously too much of a beautiful soul to come here at that particular time and she has helped, and continues to help me get through things in my life trying to disturb my inner peace.  For that, I would be forever grateful ❤️

Lastly, I have to be thankful for the fact that I didn’t experience any physical pain when I lost her. My heart goes out to those who have lost a child or children, especially when they have had to birth and bury them.  So sad.  I couldn’t imagine what that would be like.  I send light and love out to you all 🌹

I didn’t really want to say much today, I just wanted to acknowledge her day today.

Feel free to share your own experiences with me.  I’m here.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elishaxxx

I Was Just Thinking (2)

Am I well and truly magic? Can only a few see me?

From a young age, I have always been conscious of energies and how I manoeuvre around people and situations, but most importantly, I am selective when it comes to guys. Extremely selective! Maybe even to a fault.

I am fully aware, that for some reason, I am naturally attracted to those who I feel are male reflections of myself. Like a headhunter, I will pick them out. I’ve got patience, I don’t rush the process, but it’s very hard to get my attention, so when it does happen, I find it intriguing 🤔

I’m like a big ball of energy, that needs to be channeled in the right direction, in order to get the best of me. I need a lot of stimulation, in all areas and the selected ones should be able to fulfil this. I seek intelligent, multi-talented, confident, attractive, smiley guys, but on top of that they probably haven’t had the easiest lives. Just like me. Whilst with them, I believe I should be able to unload my shit and they should understand me. We could ride for each other….. 💭 Acceptance finally 🙏🏾 Paired with them, I look to make greatness, because two amazing energies together are better than one right? It appears not. What I find is that they can’t see me in the same way I see them. Instead, it’s as if women are there to fulfil certain needs, they don’t appear to look at them as a whole person in depth, appreciating all their qualities or how they can add to them to make themselves greater. I’ve had them try to restrict me from being my best self in some way, which is how I end up moving alone because I need freedom to be me. I’ve learnt that if I have rejected others who seem genuinely interested in me and wanted to “get to know me” (in the past more so), it was because if I started talking about certain things I would have to face them. On top of that, I didn’t believe they genuinely could care about me and I feared they may not have good intentions for me with the information I would share. Opening up to someone else can leave you feeling vulnerable if you haven’t reached a level within yourself where you own your own pain, hurt and experiences completely. The last thing you need is for someone to hold you hostage with “secrets”, which is why I don’t have any; and I will have no one make me feel like my tongue has been cut out my mouth.

Maybe, I shouldn’t really put such a high value on men deep down, but I’ve never experienced love and care from a male and it feel genuine. Not even family members. I was born into two big families, but you wouldn’t think it. The male relationships are limited. No relationships with the grandads. No Daddy. I only see one of my uncles sometimes. My cousins I don’t see and my only half- brother I have nothing to do with. The only male relationship I’ve really had the opportunity to nourish and be fully transparent in is with my son. That I will forever be thankful for 🙏🏾

Over the years, I’ve learnt something new about myself from each of my selected few. Being an empath, is a blessing and a curse, because in the wrong hands it can be harmful and even though withholding of my true self to men is understandable, it is also a form of protection. I don’t think they could handle it or the things I’ve experienced. My strength and the greatness within me can be intimidating. I shouldn’t have to dumb myself down to make anyone feel comfortable, which is something I’ve had to do in the past and as a result, I am open and honest with those that I need to be; more and more, as time goes on. Not everyone can handle the truth either, so it will take a well rounded guy to be with me. Another thing I find that they don’t seem to realise is that there are still a lot of things that I can learn from them also, as well as them learn from me. We are here to grow together and level up spiritually, in order to become our higher selves. This would take both of us being ready to come out of our own way/s in order to actually be happy.

Just like when I became a Mum, I made a conscious decision to be more emotionally expressive, as I didn’t want my son to ever have to question whether or not he was loved. I try to treat my potentials how I would like to be treated. Loving and treating your partner good is the best thing you can do in a relationship. Feeling loved has you operating on some next levels. It has you feeling like you can do and be anything, even more so than you thought you could before. That is one of the reasons I am proactive, I don’t just talk about doing shit, I do them, because actions most definitely speak louder than words. More importantly, your focus should be them and their focus should be you. How can you go wrong like that?

So I ask again: Am I magic? Can only a few see me? …Must be. If not, definitely overlooked lol! Is that a bad thing? …Maybe not. If anything, it makes me more motivated to be great. I just didn’t want to get completely heartless, if that’s even possible. I have a white light and a heart of gold inside of me that some guys have only had a sample of, but I’d love to be able to just openly share it. Until then, it will remain under lock and key. All relationships are a lesson or a blessing and in the end it’s their loss if they can’t see me for all that I am. I’ll just keep learning and sharing via whichever creative outlet I am exploring at the time.

Thank you for taking time to read today and I hope it read well. Trying to communicate something over to someone else so they understand exactly what you’re trying to say is hard sometimes. If you have any thoughts or feelings about what I have shared feel free to comment.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elishaxxx

“We Are Family” (6)

I received a call from my “baby father” this week…..

we are fam 6

it’s the first time we’ve spoke on the phone for just over 6 years.

I was cool.  Little catch up chit chat, we’ll see how it goes this time around.  My son wasn’t with me at the time, so they are yet to speak, but let’s go back in time a little bit.

We were high school sweethearts.  We went college and work together.  Our families know each other and we know a lot of mutual people.  Our journey together started at 14 and ended at 22, we were together for most of that time, but had a few make up and break ups along the way for various reasons. Since then, we’ve tried different ways to co-parent, well I did anyway, as I can only speak for myself.  However, around my son’s 10th birthday things were getting stressful; and even though I usually try to work with him, I shut down.  After a couple incidents around this particular birthday, I didn’t feel like I was being respected.  I had been trying to work with him to the best of my ability, while being representative for my son when there were things my son didn’t feel he could communicate over to him.  I just stopped talking.  Enough was enough for me.

Anyway, as a result of me not talking, he turned up to my door.  No problem.  I just told him I couldn’t be bothered to talk anymore and then I told my son he would have to tell his dad how he feels himself, because I think he believed all along that I was trying to turn my son against him.  That was so not true.  He must have underestimated my son! He’s a very clever and perceptive little guy.  Me and my son just speak differently.  My son went forward to tell him that he didn’t think that his dad cared about him and that they didn’t spend enough time together.  His dad said he would come back in the week to speak to him.  He didn’t.  I don’t recall any calls from that October until the Christmas Eve when he called to ask me to go along with him, so he can buy my son’s Christmas presents.  Christmas Day 2012, he brought them to my house with his little brother and that was the last time my son saw him in person.

During the couple months following Christmas, there were a few calls (and I mean literally a few), but the last time he called to speak to my son, he was telling him how he heard my son had been asking about him and asked if my son wanted to see him.  My son said he didn’t know.  I told his dad that if he wants to go somewhere with him he had to suggest somewhere specific to get an answer out of him.  He didn’t feel he was getting anywhere, I guess, because as soon as that phone went down, he texted my son and told him he couldn’t do it anymore, and if he wanted to know him he had his number.

Woah!  I was pissed!  I thought how do you tell your 10 year old son that?  I was typing back, when I received a message from him too.  The one I received was longer, he sounded borderline upset, but what stuck out more than anything was this one line:

“He’s my first, won’t be my last, I’ll learn from my mistakes.”

That was fully loaded!

That is the second time he tried to fully write off my son.  I couldn’t believe it!

Especially to find out later that he had another baby not long after smh!

Listen here, even if my son woke up everyday and was like “Mum, I hate you!” (he hasn’t, just hypothetically speaking) there are no days off! Unless my son had me fearing for my safety in my own home, I’d just do what you need to do.  Whether I’m broke, feeling good or whatever, he is still living, breathing and “our” responsibility.  While I’ve been raising our son, this guy has been out there flossing, travelling the world, being daddy to this next kid, and now he’s sitting in pen.

Do I hate him you ask?

Hate is a strong emotion.  Lack respect, yes.

I have to find a way to still have love for him for other things otherwise this shit would mad my head:

  • He was my first for a lot of things
  • He taught me a few things that I haven’t forgotten
  • Our run together set a standard for certain things * I have to just clarify these things are just things that mean something to me personally, not a treating good ting.
  • And finally, he gave me my greatest gift to date, my heartbeat ❤

Only thing I can actually respect him for as a man is his work ethic, even though it didn’t benefit me and my son in any way.  I just make sure I speak positivity over my son and let him know the reasons I loved his dad.  I feel it’s important for him to feel he was created in love, even if it was just on my side, because I can’t speak for his dad.  I am also thankful for the fact that our genes together have made “our” amazing, genius, handsome son ❤

It’s just bittersweet.  I can say that right now, I’m not angry, it’s my time!  I’ve looked after “his” son to the best of my ability through all circumstances and I loved the piece of him in the form of my son more than any words could articulate.  I’ve loved him from the first time I was aware of his being and it was worth potentially risking my life to birth him.

Over these last nearly 16 years I ended up with the two things we actually went halves on, our Millennium Edition Monopoly board and my baby.  It is the end of that story and beginning of a new one.  So like I said earlier, we’ll see how it goes…… The picture above was taken the day before I had my son, I had no idea then this would be our story now.

I hope you enjoyed today’s story.  Feel free to share any stories or experiences you may have had that are similar or in relation to this one.  Don’t be a stranger.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (5)

We had Parent’s Evening this week…..

and when I say I love this guy, I LOVE THIS GUY! He is amazing ❤

We are fam 5

This is our first one since he has started his GCSE journey.  He has been stressing a little bit, as you do, but especially about English.  He’s good at it, but his writing isn’t the clearest.  I spoke to the new SENCo about getting him assessed for Dyslexia, which tends to go hand in hand with Aspergers as well as Dyspraxia. The dyspraxia side we are waiting for an Occupational Therapist appointment to start the process.  I’m checking all areas just in case, whether I feel he has them or not, because I want to be able to support him in any which way that I can, in order for him to be the best that he can be.

Due to my son being high functioning, he is super clever and conversation with him is not necessarily what you would expect.  So, walking around the school, talking to the teachers and hearing how they spoke about him was really interesting.  It appears that even teachers who don’t actually teach him knew him some way or another. This could be anything from his art work, his interest in music, him being a part of Debate Mate or conversations they have with him.  What a blessing he is to so many ❤

But the best part of the evening was hearing the teacher’s speak greatness into him just like I do.  They genuinely want him to do well.  They see the greatness that I see in him and it was lovely.

Me and his secondary schools have had battles, due to their lack of understanding of him.  He likes some things a particular way and these things may appear to be rebellious to teachers and they used to try and challenge him all the time; and then here comes me lol!  Listen, let me tell you something, you see me, I’m cool, but don’t play with me and mine.  I laced them with complaints and I don’t have no qualms bringing in outside professionals to deal with them neither.  I’m not going to go into the school all guns blazing, that’s not my style.  I’ll keep that shit on paper, so it’s documented.  My son didn’t have a support plan in place for how long.  I weren’t having that!

After a number of incidents, one including a teacher who refused to call me “Miss Ebanks” or “Shomari’s Mum” when she addressed me, even though I made it clear that is way I like it (long story), they are no longer allowed to call my phone.  All correspondence has to be in written form, either via text, post or email.  You can’t chat to me if you can’t put no “Respeck on my name!” Thanks to Birdman for saying it so clear.  I live that shit!

Besides all of that, we now have an understanding and he seems a lot more settled.  So at present, all is well 🙂

All I can do for now, is to help him practice his handwriting and be there for him if he needs anything.  It’s a stressful time for him right now but he’s cool.

I hope you enjoyed today’s story.  Feel free to share any stories you may have or ask any questions.  Don’t be a stranger.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (4)

We are fam 4.jpeg

“Food, glorious food!” ❤

Sunday is my favourite day of the week ❤

It’s cooking, cleaning and family day ❤

Even if I’m following a diet or fitness plan, Sunday is definitely a break day.  I can eat whatever I want on Sunday.  It’s the day of the week that even if I don’t get to do it during the week, we will definitely be having dessert on Sunday ❤

I am trying to control it but food brings me pleasure, enjoyment and good memories ❤

Just like Maya Angelou said:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

That’s how I feel about food ❤

I was blessed with a family who are whizzes in the kitchen, especially my Nan.  She passed away in 2001 but the memories of all the dishes she made, big or small, have never left me.  I swear sometimes she puts the taste of her food in my mouth to make sure I don’t forget.  Some of the things she made, I’ve never had again sadly but I’m glad I had the experience of such.  We were so spoiled with her wide range of meals and treats, no one else could compare, and even up to today, the bar has been set so high, it’s hard for others to beat ❤

On top of cooking, she could bake ❤

We used to have the bowl after mixing the cakes, my favourite was the fruit cake!  Me and my cousin would have the spatulas for the fruit cake bowl, while my sis preferred the plain cake.  Delicious ❤

When me, my cousin and my sister stayed at my Nan’s practically every weekend, we’d have 3 breakfasts standardly every day.  Yooooo, that was the ting!  And all meals would be tailored to your requirements.  For instance, I didn’t like egg whites or beans in my fry-ups, I liked the taste of rice and peas but didn’t like the peas so she would pick them out for me everytime, and I didn’t even realise my Nan’s soup has yam and cho-cho etc. in it because she must have gave it to me one time and I didn’t like it, so from that day forward all my soups only had the meats, potatoes and maybe the dumplings only ❤

But she wasn’t the only one who could cook.  I couldn’t possibly name everyone’s dishes in the family but some that come to mind are:

  • My Anty Maggie’s Carrot Cake
  • My Anty Ira’s Avocado and Sardines breakfast
  • My Anty Ira’s Sticky Citrus Chicken wings
  • My Mum’s Roast Chicken
  • and My Anty Jane’s Lamb Dinners.

I could go on forever, but that brings me to today.  Today, I was getting ready to make my Curry Chicken but then I found out My Anty Jane was making her Lamb and Rice.  I was not missing out on that…. ummm ❤

It may not sound like anything special but when people make food with love, they have their own way of preparing and serving with their special touches and seasonings.  I just love it!  Yum Yum ❤

When I was younger, I used to watch all the ladies in the kitchen, cooking for the family and functions, hoping that one day I’d be a part of it.  The family dynamic has changed since my Nan passed, so we don’t ALL get together like that anymore but I have my own dishes that people enjoy and will become someone else’s favourite dish someday … he he 😉

I have actually been likened to cake by my ex.  When he told me I was like cake, I looked at him a bit perplexed and was like “cake?”  He replied anyone who knows me, knows I like cake, when I have some I have to have more.  Well, that sounded good to me lol 🙂

I also relate my exes to food, so I found it interesting that I was not alone with this way of thinking.  Roll with me here.  For my two main relationships I think of them as:

  • My high school sweetheart is my McDonald’s.  Amongst all the cooked food and takeaways when I was a kid, McDonald’s was like the ultimate food treat!  When I had a bit more freedom at my third secondary school, travelling through town everyday, I would hit up McD’s without someone having to take me.  Why was he my McDonald’s?  When I was young, health was not a priority, I loved it to no end and now I only go there mainly if my son wants to go.
  • My last somewhat serious relationship was my Snickers.  I wouldn’t touch the things for years because they had nuts, and even though I like peanut tasting things, I don’t like nuts.  One day, there was only a load of Snickers left in my Celebrations box and I fancied some chocolate, so I had one.  Oh. My. Days!!!! Why have I never had one before????  Oh shit!  The chocolate, the caramel, the nougat with the nuts as the finishing touch.  Sensational!!!  Why was he my Snickers? He wasn’t someone I would normally go for but he was good in all the ways I needed him to be but those “nuts” completed the formula.  They were all the things I didn’t want but without the nuts, there would be no Snickers.

So as you can see love, family and food go hand in hand for me.  As I’ve grown, I have tried to make healthier choices all round and things that are no good for me get dropped and replaced slowly but surely.  I am improving all the time.

I hope you enjoyed today’s story.  Feel free to share any food stories you may have, dishes you enjoy that your loved ones make that conjure good or bad memories, and if you relate anyone in your life to food lol!

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx