“We Are Family” (9)

Decisions of an 18 year old girl …

Music or my baby 🤔

Are you dumb? There was nothing to think about … my baby hands down 🤱🏽

Let’s go back in time for a minute 💭

Being a singer was always something I wanted to do growing up. From making up songs in the bedroom with my little sis (I Will Show You My Eclipse ☺️ – private joke lol), dancing and singing for the boys in the playground, singing for the older girls around the area to partaking in the odd talent shows here and there. I was always a little shy though but that didn’t stop me.

In December 2001, me and my little sis entered a talent competition at The Grand Hotel on Colmore Row, Birmingham. It was the first time we sang a song we were taught by our vocal tutor, Sophia, without hearing it before. My sis sang the first verse and then I came in. They loved it! They obviously knew it lol! The song was Use Your Heart by SWV. We got in 💃🏽 We were asked to come back the next day to sing again for everyone. We did that and as a result the guy who was organising the talent show, Tucker, introduced us to two of his cousins, a young girl and her big brother, along with two of his friends. They were all rappers and MC’s. We were all put together as a group to work with a guy called Tony Duke. Exciting times!

We started recording music and by the February I found out I was expecting. Whoa 😮 I continued for a little while but in the end I bowed out because there was no way I could continue under my circumstances. There was way too much going on and my support system has always been near enough non-existent. The group disbanded not long after. Sad times 😔

I had to put that all to the back of my mind for a minute because I had a baby to prepare for. I don’t regret my decision for one minute. Sometimes my son used to say to me,

“I wonder what your life would have been like if I wasn’t here?”

What??? That used to break my heart a little bit every time. I don’t think this boy understands even though I used to tell him,

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t want to hear you say that to me again.”

On the surface, it may have sounded dreamy to some degree that I could have had a music career before him but inside I was writing poetry about about being stuck in a box feeling unloved and didn’t know where to turn in order to find the happiness I was seeking. I didn’t talk too much about my life at the time to anyone either. Talking my truth would mean I would have to mention other people because they were involved so I felt trapped for a long time.

Being a mum has allowed me to safely love someone and let go of a lot things that were holding me back emotionally. I’ve grown so much as a person and I continue to grow more and more all the time. He gave me a purpose even when things seemed bleak at times. I’ve overcome things people only hear about on TV and I can confidently say that not a lot of people can walk in my shoes. With all the life experience I have and knowing myself so well I can go forward and pursue certain things that I couldn’t before. My son is grown and less dependent on me so I’m looking forward to the future. We’ve always spoke about my plans, while discussing business ventures together and individually so we’re good 😁

For now I’m just figuring out what direction to take with my music, writing songs, blogging, working on my fitness and sorting out my YouTube channel. Sounds like a plan to me 🏆

I hope you enjoyed today’s post and if you have any stories or thoughts you would like to share with me, feel free.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,
Elisha xxx

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“We Are Family” (8)

It’s time to Spring Clean my life! Out with the old and in with the new!

Hey guys, it’s been a while, had a lot going on recently:

– Started my first job within the beauty industry a couple of months ago, which I’m settling into quite well but may need to put the feelers out for something with more hours soon. I’ve got some plans I need to put into action and my shift pattern doesn’t allow much flexibility for the way in which I need to move around.

– I decided to refresh my living room. Who told me to do that? Lol! Stripping my ceiling has been so tiring! This task alone has me realising for the first time how big the room actually is. Even though me and my son have been taking it in turns to do it, it feels like it’s taking forever! I also had my uncle and cousin help me take my sofas, rug and a few other things out for the council to collect, so I’m right back to basics. Kind of like when I first moved in 13 years ago but with more stuff and not as much work to do lol!

I like decorating and even went to college to study it a few years back but I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to put anymore money into my house. I just wanted to move. I need a new, fresh space so I’ll just brighten up the place while I’m working on that. My hand was forced with this decorating to be honest because my boiler leaked into my living room. There was torrential rain in the dining area of the living room for over an hour! No jokes! Did the council care? No! It’s the second time it has happened now. It messed up my ceiling wallpaper and paint work, I just couldn’t leave it like that so a few cost effective changes will make me feel a bit better in the meantime. It’s taking me a bit longer than I thought it would but I’m getting there slowly but surely.

– I allowed myself to care about someone for the first time in a long time, who by their actions didn’t appear to feel the same. I voiced my thoughts and feelings about something and as a result they tried to silence me. Whoa! I’m human, not a robot! One of the things I was trying to get away from came right back to me. I can’t allow someone to cut the tongue out of my mouth. I wrote about this in my blogpost “I Was Just Thinking” (2). It’s hard work not to let hurt make your heart turn into an ice box but I tell you, my optimism keeps me going. Operating from a place of hurt is not a good thing to do so I’ve kept it as nice as possible. You can’t take back negativity once you’ve put it out there. The other person may forgive but never forget. That negativity came from somewhere.

I know more than ever that I need someone who knows how to communicate and can handle my honesty without being intimidated by it. The man I am supposed to be with will lead me with respect and love in order for me to relax so the lady inside that I have to protect can come out. I’m tired of being mistreated. Come correct or leave me alone. I wish them well in all their endeavours but to be around me you need to operate in love or definitely be working on it as I understand it’s hard for some people to do if they don’t know how.

– Finally, I failed my driving test for the second time for something really silly. Waiting at a roundabout, went to pull off and the car wasn’t moving. I was getting mad at myself thinking I wasn’t get my bite right until the examiner had to say to me, “I’m just letting you know the car’s in third gear.” I didn’t even think to check the gears again smh! FAIL!

Booked my next test as soon as I got home and I’m preparing for that one now. Hopefully I’m third time lucky 😁

One of the main lessons I’ve learnt during the first quarter of 2018, I need to stop attacking myself when things are going wrong because even when there’s evidence that it’s not me personally doing something wrong, I will still beat myself up first. I need to take a minute, breathe, evaluate then beat up whoever deserves it lol! Only joking! I just need to relax.

As for today being the 1st of April, I decided to start afresh and believe that going forward from today the energy changes. I welcome positivity, love, and light into my life more than ever. I’m getting my focus back. The only way is up!

Thanks for taking time to read my blogpost and if you would like to share any experiences or your Spring Clean plans feel free.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha x

The Perfect 34th Birthday Gift…. A Blank Slate

What an interesting day!  This is the birthday I have been talking about for years!  It may seem random looking forward to my 34th but it is significant to me.

As a young single mum, I had people believing I wouldn’t do a good job or that my life would be over because of it, well I can stand up and say I’ve made it.  In the same way you look to your 16th birthday from 1st year at senior school, feeling it will take forever to get there, as an adult, 34 was it for me.  16 means somewhat “freedom”.  The first step to adulthood.  You can “legally” have sex.  You can “officially” get a job.  It’s a new lease of life and learning.

Well for me, when I was 18 I found that I was pregnant for my high school sweetheart and he was not happy about it.  He didn’t want me to have him but I weren’t killing my baby for no one!  So me and my son have been on an interesting journey together.  Now for my son reaching that 16 mark I earlier described is during my 34th year of life.

34 to me is like being 16 all over again… I have given my son practically all of me.  Having a small, to near enough non existent support system, jobs and careers I wanted to get into that I couldn’t pursue long term, if at all, because I didn’t want to be away from him too much at times when I feel I should have been home.  I have known what it was like to hardly see my mum because before she went through an illness during my younger years, she was always at one of her two jobs.  So I have made a lot of sacrifices for the love of my son and tried to be the best mum I could be with the time and resources I had and have.  No matter the circumstances .

Some of the things I can look forward to as an individual are:

  • Pursuing roles I couldn’t do before without having to worry about childcare in any way shape or form
  • Going on short breaks in the middle of term time
  • Focusing on my health and fitness without having to worry too much about the attention it may bring because I know and love myself better than when I was 18.
  • Most importantly, enjoying my new stage of motherhood!!!!

My son fills my heart with so much joy.  Words really couldn’t describe the love I have for him.  I am looking forward to the next stage we will step into together.  I will be able to support him through his adulthood in a way in which I wasn’t.  I have tried to ensure we have as open a relationship as possible so he can feel comfortable talking to me about anything with transparency on my part, as it’s good for any relationship.  So I am happy that there are still things we will be able to do together while helping him grow as an individual.  I want to see him win and hopefully we will win together.  He is my son and I can call him a friend because we have been through so much together.

So why the blank slate???? This is the first birthday I can remember having snow which I find to be symbolic.  Considering I had everything figured out a couple months ago, there have been quite a few changes recently leaving me in a state of limbo:

  • I done well in the first year of my Spa Management degree and was excited for the second but I started back and they changed one the management modules to a practical.  That may not sound like a big thing to someone else but it really was because before we broke up they told us that the practical would be management within the spa setting.  Perfect!  Who would complain about that?  That’s what we’re working towards isn’t it?  But no, Advanced Consultations…. really???  I was not happy!  Manager … no!  Fancy therapist…. yes!
  • I am trying to change my course rather than waste time and MONEY on a degree I believe to not even guarantee a management role as I would still be working my way up regardless.  I’m currently just going back and forth with the uni trying to get a meeting to discuss my possible change to Hospitality Business Management.
  • The company I paid to do my Level 3 Beauty Therapy offer 3 years career support as they have partners with reputable companies within the industry with whom you are guaranteed interview and I haven’t had one yet! That is not down to a lack of trying with or  without them.  On my part, being newly qualified in any field it is difficult to get your first job without practical experience.  On their part, I feel that the way they’ve been advertising as if they train you up to work for their partners is possibly a con.
  • I’m definitely working towards self employment, whether part or full time.  I have just have a few things to take care of first such as getting my driving licence and money to get my kits together.
  • I booked a Floating Spa experience for my birthday today for the first time and had to reschedule due to the weather.

To bring it all home, this birthday is bittersweet.  Everything I have been working on externally has been thrown into temporary disarray.  On the other hand, I have 3 generations in my house today.  My mum who had me at 17 reminiscing about my birth, with me and my young man in training all going forward in this life together.  As long as home is good, then I’m good.

So I thank you all for coming through and feel free to comment and share your own experiences.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx