“We Are Family” (9)

Decisions of an 18 year old girl …

Music or my baby 🤔

Are you dumb? There was nothing to think about … my baby hands down 🤱🏽

Let’s go back in time for a minute 💭

Being a singer was always something I wanted to do growing up. From making up songs in the bedroom with my little sis (I Will Show You My Eclipse ☺️ – private joke lol), dancing and singing for the boys in the playground, singing for the older girls around the area to partaking in the odd talent shows here and there. I was always a little shy though but that didn’t stop me.

In December 2001, me and my little sis entered a talent competition at The Grand Hotel on Colmore Row, Birmingham. It was the first time we sang a song we were taught by our vocal tutor, Sophia, without hearing it before. My sis sang the first verse and then I came in. They loved it! They obviously knew it lol! The song was Use Your Heart by SWV. We got in 💃🏽 We were asked to come back the next day to sing again for everyone. We did that and as a result the guy who was organising the talent show, Tucker, introduced us to two of his cousins, a young girl and her big brother, along with two of his friends. They were all rappers and MC’s. We were all put together as a group to work with a guy called Tony Duke. Exciting times!

We started recording music and by the February I found out I was expecting. Whoa 😮 I continued for a little while but in the end I bowed out because there was no way I could continue under my circumstances. There was way too much going on and my support system has always been near enough non-existent. The group disbanded not long after. Sad times 😔

I had to put that all to the back of my mind for a minute because I had a baby to prepare for. I don’t regret my decision for one minute. Sometimes my son used to say to me,

“I wonder what your life would have been like if I wasn’t here?”

What??? That used to break my heart a little bit every time. I don’t think this boy understands even though I used to tell him,

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t want to hear you say that to me again.”

On the surface, it may have sounded dreamy to some degree that I could have had a music career before him but inside I was writing poetry about about being stuck in a box feeling unloved and didn’t know where to turn in order to find the happiness I was seeking. I didn’t talk too much about my life at the time to anyone either. Talking my truth would mean I would have to mention other people because they were involved so I felt trapped for a long time.

Being a mum has allowed me to safely love someone and let go of a lot things that were holding me back emotionally. I’ve grown so much as a person and I continue to grow more and more all the time. He gave me a purpose even when things seemed bleak at times. I’ve overcome things people only hear about on TV and I can confidently say that not a lot of people can walk in my shoes. With all the life experience I have and knowing myself so well I can go forward and pursue certain things that I couldn’t before. My son is grown and less dependent on me so I’m looking forward to the future. We’ve always spoke about my plans, while discussing business ventures together and individually so we’re good 😁

For now I’m just figuring out what direction to take with my music, writing songs, blogging, working on my fitness and sorting out my YouTube channel. Sounds like a plan to me 🏆

I hope you enjoyed today’s post and if you have any stories or thoughts you would like to share with me, feel free.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,
Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (6)

I received a call from my “baby father” this week…..

we are fam 6

it’s the first time we’ve spoke on the phone for just over 6 years.

I was cool.  Little catch up chit chat, we’ll see how it goes this time around.  My son wasn’t with me at the time, so they are yet to speak, but let’s go back in time a little bit.

We were high school sweethearts.  We went college and work together.  Our families know each other and we know a lot of mutual people.  Our journey together started at 14 and ended at 22, we were together for most of that time, but had a few make up and break ups along the way for various reasons. Since then, we’ve tried different ways to co-parent, well I did anyway, as I can only speak for myself.  However, around my son’s 10th birthday things were getting stressful; and even though I usually try to work with him, I shut down.  After a couple incidents around this particular birthday, I didn’t feel like I was being respected.  I had been trying to work with him to the best of my ability, while being representative for my son when there were things my son didn’t feel he could communicate over to him.  I just stopped talking.  Enough was enough for me.

Anyway, as a result of me not talking, he turned up to my door.  No problem.  I just told him I couldn’t be bothered to talk anymore and then I told my son he would have to tell his dad how he feels himself, because I think he believed all along that I was trying to turn my son against him.  That was so not true.  He must have underestimated my son! He’s a very clever and perceptive little guy.  Me and my son just speak differently.  My son went forward to tell him that he didn’t think that his dad cared about him and that they didn’t spend enough time together.  His dad said he would come back in the week to speak to him.  He didn’t.  I don’t recall any calls from that October until the Christmas Eve when he called to ask me to go along with him, so he can buy my son’s Christmas presents.  Christmas Day 2012, he brought them to my house with his little brother and that was the last time my son saw him in person.

During the couple months following Christmas, there were a few calls (and I mean literally a few), but the last time he called to speak to my son, he was telling him how he heard my son had been asking about him and asked if my son wanted to see him.  My son said he didn’t know.  I told his dad that if he wants to go somewhere with him he had to suggest somewhere specific to get an answer out of him.  He didn’t feel he was getting anywhere, I guess, because as soon as that phone went down, he texted my son and told him he couldn’t do it anymore, and if he wanted to know him he had his number.

Woah!  I was pissed!  I thought how do you tell your 10 year old son that?  I was typing back, when I received a message from him too.  The one I received was longer, he sounded borderline upset, but what stuck out more than anything was this one line:

“He’s my first, won’t be my last, I’ll learn from my mistakes.”

That was fully loaded!

That is the second time he tried to fully write off my son.  I couldn’t believe it!

Especially to find out later that he had another baby not long after smh!

Listen here, even if my son woke up everyday and was like “Mum, I hate you!” (he hasn’t, just hypothetically speaking) there are no days off! Unless my son had me fearing for my safety in my own home, I’d just do what you need to do.  Whether I’m broke, feeling good or whatever, he is still living, breathing and “our” responsibility.  While I’ve been raising our son, this guy has been out there flossing, travelling the world, being daddy to this next kid, and now he’s sitting in pen.

Do I hate him you ask?

Hate is a strong emotion.  Lack respect, yes.

I have to find a way to still have love for him for other things otherwise this shit would mad my head:

  • He was my first for a lot of things
  • He taught me a few things that I haven’t forgotten
  • Our run together set a standard for certain things * I have to just clarify these things are just things that mean something to me personally, not a treating good ting.
  • And finally, he gave me my greatest gift to date, my heartbeat ❤

Only thing I can actually respect him for as a man is his work ethic, even though it didn’t benefit me and my son in any way.  I just make sure I speak positivity over my son and let him know the reasons I loved his dad.  I feel it’s important for him to feel he was created in love, even if it was just on my side, because I can’t speak for his dad.  I am also thankful for the fact that our genes together have made “our” amazing, genius, handsome son ❤

It’s just bittersweet.  I can say that right now, I’m not angry, it’s my time!  I’ve looked after “his” son to the best of my ability through all circumstances and I loved the piece of him in the form of my son more than any words could articulate.  I’ve loved him from the first time I was aware of his being and it was worth potentially risking my life to birth him.

Over these last nearly 16 years I ended up with the two things we actually went halves on, our Millennium Edition Monopoly board and my baby.  It is the end of that story and beginning of a new one.  So like I said earlier, we’ll see how it goes…… The picture above was taken the day before I had my son, I had no idea then this would be our story now.

I hope you enjoyed today’s story.  Feel free to share any stories or experiences you may have had that are similar or in relation to this one.  Don’t be a stranger.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (5)

We had Parent’s Evening this week…..

and when I say I love this guy, I LOVE THIS GUY! He is amazing ❤

We are fam 5

This is our first one since he has started his GCSE journey.  He has been stressing a little bit, as you do, but especially about English.  He’s good at it, but his writing isn’t the clearest.  I spoke to the new SENCo about getting him assessed for Dyslexia, which tends to go hand in hand with Aspergers as well as Dyspraxia. The dyspraxia side we are waiting for an Occupational Therapist appointment to start the process.  I’m checking all areas just in case, whether I feel he has them or not, because I want to be able to support him in any which way that I can, in order for him to be the best that he can be.

Due to my son being high functioning, he is super clever and conversation with him is not necessarily what you would expect.  So, walking around the school, talking to the teachers and hearing how they spoke about him was really interesting.  It appears that even teachers who don’t actually teach him knew him some way or another. This could be anything from his art work, his interest in music, him being a part of Debate Mate or conversations they have with him.  What a blessing he is to so many ❤

But the best part of the evening was hearing the teacher’s speak greatness into him just like I do.  They genuinely want him to do well.  They see the greatness that I see in him and it was lovely.

Me and his secondary schools have had battles, due to their lack of understanding of him.  He likes some things a particular way and these things may appear to be rebellious to teachers and they used to try and challenge him all the time; and then here comes me lol!  Listen, let me tell you something, you see me, I’m cool, but don’t play with me and mine.  I laced them with complaints and I don’t have no qualms bringing in outside professionals to deal with them neither.  I’m not going to go into the school all guns blazing, that’s not my style.  I’ll keep that shit on paper, so it’s documented.  My son didn’t have a support plan in place for how long.  I weren’t having that!

After a number of incidents, one including a teacher who refused to call me “Miss Ebanks” or “Shomari’s Mum” when she addressed me, even though I made it clear that is way I like it (long story), they are no longer allowed to call my phone.  All correspondence has to be in written form, either via text, post or email.  You can’t chat to me if you can’t put no “Respeck on my name!” Thanks to Birdman for saying it so clear.  I live that shit!

Besides all of that, we now have an understanding and he seems a lot more settled.  So at present, all is well 🙂

All I can do for now, is to help him practice his handwriting and be there for him if he needs anything.  It’s a stressful time for him right now but he’s cool.

I hope you enjoyed today’s story.  Feel free to share any stories you may have or ask any questions.  Don’t be a stranger.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (1)

pexels-photo-355988I had to give my son some career advice.  It’s about that time….

Being in Year 10, my son is preparing for work experience at the end of the year by way of mock interviews and creating his first CV.  Awwwww, my baby is growing up …(tear to my eye).

As a result, we’ve mulled over quite a few options.  Business is always something we discuss and plan for, together, and individually as I wish someone taught me the importance of having something of my own when I was his age.  But in terms of college, university etc, we have explored them all and it is easy to get lost because there are so many to choose from.  I’ve always taken him to open days and if we go to events, I encourage him to talk with people in industry while he is there.  Networking is a good tool and he can get some tips or see if he is on the right track.  I myself, have studied consistently since leaving school and worked, either at the same time or alternatively.  So I can only share what I have learned and that is……

Education means very little without experience!

I feel this is something that they should emphasise to the young ones, in particular, as it can save a lot of time and money.  My son will make his own mind up and walk his own path but I advised that if he can find an apprenticeship in the career he wishes to pursue then he should definitely take up the opportunity.  You gain industry experience while completing your qualification and you get paid!!!  Not that much probably but hey, he still lives at home, he’ll be fine.  I got him ❤

If I could press reset, I would definitely pick that now.  Even though I can’t regret all that I have done, I could have saved some time and money going the apprenticeship route.  The good thing about my journey is that I go forth and can prevent others around me from making the “mistakes” I made or on the other hand, I can share the wisdom I have acquired over time.

Due to the law changing since I left school, he has to be in education of some form until the age of 18, I think this is an excellent idea.  Hopefully, it will give you a guaranteed first step on the career ladder, rather than just going straight to work.  Not saying anything is necessarily wrong with going to work because you can possibly work up in the company.  But if you do have a specific goal from young, try and get an apprencticeship while you have support from loved ones before you have to take on full financial responsibility of properties, cars, partners and kids etc.

If you have any career advice for the younger ones feel free to share.  Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx