“We Are Family” (11)

we are fam 11

Being a mum has been the most rewarding job I have ever had but it is hard sometimes. It develops a strength in you that you may not have thought you originally had, especially when facing hard times.

I am so thankful that have my son.  He gives me a reason to stay focused and keep it pushing through anything that comes my way.

We’ve been through so many ups and downs over the years and knowing that no matter what is going on, I have look after him, keeps me motivated.

Times when I’m feeling low or burned out, I know I need rest but I can’t stay down too long.

Times when things don’t seem to be working out how I’d like, I have to find another way forward.

Times when I need to smile, he may say something to me that reassures me that I’m doing a good job, whether he realises the impact of what he said or not.

When I think back to when had him at 18, I wasn’t around anyone else who was having children until I moved into a mother and baby unit, due to me not being able to stay living with my mum, as she wasn’t well.  My son and I left home and moved out of our familiar areas when he was 3 1/2 weeks old.  The mother and baby unit was like a hostel for mothers and babies, where you share a flat with another mother and child with 24 hour staff, midwives and stay and play.  I stayed there for 6 months before moving onto my second.

The second hostel was further out again with staff on site from early morning until 9pm Monday – Friday.  We had our own little flats and were taught to be more independent, preparing us for when we moved into our own properties.  I learnt a lot and met quite a few people that I am still in touch with.

I’ve been living in this house I’m in now for 13 1/2 years and is the longest place ever lived consistently throughout my whole life.  That may sound stable and I suppose it is in comparison to some but I’ve never had it how I want it.  That is something I am always working on.  To be honest, I’m hoping to move out of it soon.  It is something I scarily look forward to.  My neighbours have watched me and my son grow up and evolve into the people we are today.  When we first moved here, I was 21 and my son was 2 1/2 years old.  There have been loads of memories and ghost of old faces attached to this house but I am looking forward to moving on,  I need a fresh space.

I digress … the point I was making was, there is no rule book to parenting and believe me I have tried and continue to try to be the best the mum I can.  I’ve watched others, read books and took courses over the years to help me.  I only had one cousin who had three children at a young at the time and I used to visit him and his girlfriend often before I even thought about having a baby, so I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.  None of my school friends or siblings had children, so it was a lonely path at times.  But I took on the sole responsibility and have kept persevering.

If I didn’t have any more children in future, I wouldn’t be upset because I have one and he is amazing ❤ but the idea is lovely ❤

There are things I would like to experience such as parenting as a couple.  Like, both of you maybe planning it all, being there at the birth and both sharing the responsibility with both parent’s input.  Even though I have done it alone for the most part, TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK!  I would just love to know what that would be like.  Single parent households seems way too common.  I would like to be with someone who wants to break the mold and we can show each other something different.

Apologies if I went off a little bit, I just write what’s on my mind at the time.

I hope you enjoyed today’s post and if there is anything you would like to share, please feel free.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx

Advertisements

“We Are Family” (10)

People take certain things for granted but as much as I love to travel, I still haven’t been on a plane.

I’ve been on practically everything else accept a ✈️

Like I told you all in an earlier blogpost, possibly more than once lol, I’ve been looking forward to this year with me turning 34 and my son making his first step into adulthood. Well, I thought the best birthday gift I could give him was something I never had the opportunity to experience as of yet, going on a plane to somewhere hot. You know this boy was not impressed in the least 😲

Disappointment 💔

I love making my loved ones smile and this just burst my bubble 😔

To him it was a waste of money because he wants to build his own computer. He was like:

“Why would you spend money on a week or something somewhere when I’ll use my PC all the time and have it for years!”

Gotta love his logic but bwoi! I believe you must seize opportunities when they come and that experiences are valuable. There are quiet times in your life when all you have are memories. With that said you need to create as many happy memories as possible. I know I’ve had times when I think back to how someone made me feel, things I’ve done and places I’ve been to. They bring you comfort when you least expect because you don’t know when you’ll need to tap into them.

Guess what? I’m not going to dismiss what he said, so PC’s getting sorted 👍🏾

Now that I’ve done my part, as I aim to please ☺️ Do you think he’ll want to go now? 😏

All being well we get this sorted and I can bring my mum along too, she hasn’t been on a plane either. We’ve been out of the country a couple times but I have a list of places I would really like to visit:

  • St Kitts 🇰🇳 (Mama Bear’s family’s birthplace)
  • St Elizabeth, Jamaica 🇯🇲 (The biological’s family’s birthplace)
  • Italy 🇮🇹 (I want to go on the gondolas and definitely for the food lol!)
  • Amsterdam (🤫)
  • Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 (curiosity)
  • Egypt 🇪🇬 (Too many reasons)

That’s just off the top of my head. Travel is the way to my heart. I’m a natural born tourist. Also, I have to look for the perfect location for my beach wedding 🎩 👰🏾 Thoughts become things and all of that 😉

To close, remember memories are valuable and try to capture as many moments as you can with loved ones while you still have them with you. Also, please try your best to be a good memory for someone or people you come into contact with. I know that can be hard, trust me, sometimes people try to draw you out 😒 Up middle finger to them and keep it moving! They don’t deserve your energy.

Love to you all 😘

I hope you enjoyed today’s blogpost and feel free to share your first family holiday experiences or suggestions on nice places for me to consider visiting.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (9)

Decisions of an 18 year old girl …

Music or my baby 🤔

Are you dumb? There was nothing to think about … my baby hands down 🤱🏽

Let’s go back in time for a minute 💭

Being a singer was always something I wanted to do growing up. From making up songs in the bedroom with my little sis (I Will Show You My Eclipse ☺️ – private joke lol), dancing and singing for the boys in the playground, singing for the older girls around the area to partaking in the odd talent shows here and there. I was always a little shy though but that didn’t stop me.

In December 2001, me and my little sis entered a talent competition at The Grand Hotel on Colmore Row, Birmingham. It was the first time we sang a song we were taught by our vocal tutor, Sophia, without hearing it before. My sis sang the first verse and then I came in. They loved it! They obviously knew it lol! The song was Use Your Heart by SWV. We got in 💃🏽 We were asked to come back the next day to sing again for everyone. We did that and as a result the guy who was organising the talent show, Tucker, introduced us to two of his cousins, a young girl and her big brother, along with two of his friends. They were all rappers and MC’s. We were all put together as a group to work with a guy called Tony Duke. Exciting times!

We started recording music and by the February I found out I was expecting. Whoa 😮 I continued for a little while but in the end I bowed out because there was no way I could continue under my circumstances. There was way too much going on and my support system has always been near enough non-existent. The group disbanded not long after. Sad times 😔

I had to put that all to the back of my mind for a minute because I had a baby to prepare for. I don’t regret my decision for one minute. Sometimes my son used to say to me,

“I wonder what your life would have been like if I wasn’t here?”

What??? That used to break my heart a little bit every time. I don’t think this boy understands even though I used to tell him,

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t want to hear you say that to me again.”

On the surface, it may have sounded dreamy to some degree that I could have had a music career before him but inside I was writing poetry about about being stuck in a box feeling unloved and didn’t know where to turn in order to find the happiness I was seeking. I didn’t talk too much about my life at the time to anyone either. Talking my truth would mean I would have to mention other people because they were involved so I felt trapped for a long time.

Being a mum has allowed me to safely love someone and let go of a lot things that were holding me back emotionally. I’ve grown so much as a person and I continue to grow more and more all the time. He gave me a purpose even when things seemed bleak at times. I’ve overcome things people only hear about on TV and I can confidently say that not a lot of people can walk in my shoes. With all the life experience I have and knowing myself so well I can go forward and pursue certain things that I couldn’t before. My son is grown and less dependent on me so I’m looking forward to the future. We’ve always spoke about my plans, while discussing business ventures together and individually so we’re good 😁

For now I’m just figuring out what direction to take with my music, writing songs, blogging, working on my fitness and sorting out my YouTube channel. Sounds like a plan to me 🏆

I hope you enjoyed today’s post and if you have any stories or thoughts you would like to share with me, feel free.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,
Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (8)

It’s time to Spring Clean my life! Out with the old and in with the new!

Hey guys, it’s been a while, had a lot going on recently:

– Started my first job within the beauty industry a couple of months ago, which I’m settling into quite well but may need to put the feelers out for something with more hours soon. I’ve got some plans I need to put into action and my shift pattern doesn’t allow much flexibility for the way in which I need to move around.

– I decided to refresh my living room. Who told me to do that? Lol! Stripping my ceiling has been so tiring! This task alone has me realising for the first time how big the room actually is. Even though me and my son have been taking it in turns to do it, it feels like it’s taking forever! I also had my uncle and cousin help me take my sofas, rug and a few other things out for the council to collect, so I’m right back to basics. Kind of like when I first moved in 13 years ago but with more stuff and not as much work to do lol!

I like decorating and even went to college to study it a few years back but I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to put anymore money into my house. I just wanted to move. I need a new, fresh space so I’ll just brighten up the place while I’m working on that. My hand was forced with this decorating to be honest because my boiler leaked into my living room. There was torrential rain in the dining area of the living room for over an hour! No jokes! Did the council care? No! It’s the second time it has happened now. It messed up my ceiling wallpaper and paint work, I just couldn’t leave it like that so a few cost effective changes will make me feel a bit better in the meantime. It’s taking me a bit longer than I thought it would but I’m getting there slowly but surely.

– I allowed myself to care about someone for the first time in a long time, who by their actions didn’t appear to feel the same. I voiced my thoughts and feelings about something and as a result they tried to silence me. Whoa! I’m human, not a robot! One of the things I was trying to get away from came right back to me. I can’t allow someone to cut the tongue out of my mouth. I wrote about this in my blogpost “I Was Just Thinking” (2). It’s hard work not to let hurt make your heart turn into an ice box but I tell you, my optimism keeps me going. Operating from a place of hurt is not a good thing to do so I’ve kept it as nice as possible. You can’t take back negativity once you’ve put it out there. The other person may forgive but never forget. That negativity came from somewhere.

I know more than ever that I need someone who knows how to communicate and can handle my honesty without being intimidated by it. The man I am supposed to be with will lead me with respect and love in order for me to relax so the lady inside that I have to protect can come out. I’m tired of being mistreated. Come correct or leave me alone. I wish them well in all their endeavours but to be around me you need to operate in love or definitely be working on it as I understand it’s hard for some people to do if they don’t know how.

– Finally, I failed my driving test for the second time for something really silly. Waiting at a roundabout, went to pull off and the car wasn’t moving. I was getting mad at myself thinking I wasn’t get my bite right until the examiner had to say to me, “I’m just letting you know the car’s in third gear.” I didn’t even think to check the gears again smh! FAIL!

Booked my next test as soon as I got home and I’m preparing for that one now. Hopefully I’m third time lucky 😁

One of the main lessons I’ve learnt during the first quarter of 2018, I need to stop attacking myself when things are going wrong because even when there’s evidence that it’s not me personally doing something wrong, I will still beat myself up first. I need to take a minute, breathe, evaluate then beat up whoever deserves it lol! Only joking! I just need to relax.

As for today being the 1st of April, I decided to start afresh and believe that going forward from today the energy changes. I welcome positivity, love, and light into my life more than ever. I’m getting my focus back. The only way is up!

Thanks for taking time to read my blogpost and if you would like to share any experiences or your Spring Clean plans feel free.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha x

“We Are Family” (7)

we are fam 7

18.2.18 is my angel baby Shiloh’s 8th birthday 👼🏽

She didn’t get to make it here physically but she means so much to me.  I think about her all the time, I just don’t really talk about it.  Today, I’m just kind of thinking out loud.

I find myself, ever so often, sitting down and wondering what she would have looked like, or sounded like, or what her relationship would have been like with her big brother and if she would have been anything like me.  The world is definitely in need of more Elisha A. Ebanks’ lol!  I wonder if she would have found my stories funny or if she would liked reading or if she could sing ☺️

I giggle to myself sometimes when I remember the day I found out her due date, 18th February 2010, and I thought how magic am I? … What are the chances that my only two babies so far have had birthdays 10 weeks to the day either side of my birthday?  My birthday is the 10th December.  Shomari’s birthday is the 1st October, which is exactly 10 weeks before and Shiloh’s is the 18th February, which is exactly 10 weeks after my birthday.  Amazing ❤️

She came at a time when I was open to change and her presence, even though it was short lived, sparked my journey to self discovery and working towards things that actually made me happy. It was a much needed kick up the ass! Things haven’t been the smoothest all the time since but she is part of my drive to keep succeeding. I know she watches over us. I hope she is proud of me and that she knows her passing was not in vain, as I will continue to try to be the best me I can be at all times because of her.

None of us know when it is our time to go and while we are here, we need to enjoy our lives as much as we can, with those who make us happy ❤️

Her name means Peace, from what I’ve always understood and that is so fitting for us.  Shiloh was obviously too much of a beautiful soul to come here at that particular time and she has helped, and continues to help me get through things in my life trying to disturb my inner peace.  For that, I would be forever grateful ❤️

Lastly, I have to be thankful for the fact that I didn’t experience any physical pain when I lost her. My heart goes out to those who have lost a child or children, especially when they have had to birth and bury them.  So sad.  I couldn’t imagine what that would be like.  I send light and love out to you all 🌹

I didn’t really want to say much today, I just wanted to acknowledge her day today.

Feel free to share your own experiences with me.  I’m here.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elishaxxx

“We Are Family” (6)

I received a call from my “baby father” this week…..

we are fam 6

it’s the first time we’ve spoke on the phone for just over 6 years.

I was cool.  Little catch up chit chat, we’ll see how it goes this time around.  My son wasn’t with me at the time, so they are yet to speak, but let’s go back in time a little bit.

We were high school sweethearts.  We went college and work together.  Our families know each other and we know a lot of mutual people.  Our journey together started at 14 and ended at 22, we were together for most of that time, but had a few make up and break ups along the way for various reasons. Since then, we’ve tried different ways to co-parent, well I did anyway, as I can only speak for myself.  However, around my son’s 10th birthday things were getting stressful; and even though I usually try to work with him, I shut down.  After a couple incidents around this particular birthday, I didn’t feel like I was being respected.  I had been trying to work with him to the best of my ability, while being representative for my son when there were things my son didn’t feel he could communicate over to him.  I just stopped talking.  Enough was enough for me.

Anyway, as a result of me not talking, he turned up to my door.  No problem.  I just told him I couldn’t be bothered to talk anymore and then I told my son he would have to tell his dad how he feels himself, because I think he believed all along that I was trying to turn my son against him.  That was so not true.  He must have underestimated my son! He’s a very clever and perceptive little guy.  Me and my son just speak differently.  My son went forward to tell him that he didn’t think that his dad cared about him and that they didn’t spend enough time together.  His dad said he would come back in the week to speak to him.  He didn’t.  I don’t recall any calls from that October until the Christmas Eve when he called to ask me to go along with him, so he can buy my son’s Christmas presents.  Christmas Day 2012, he brought them to my house with his little brother and that was the last time my son saw him in person.

During the couple months following Christmas, there were a few calls (and I mean literally a few), but the last time he called to speak to my son, he was telling him how he heard my son had been asking about him and asked if my son wanted to see him.  My son said he didn’t know.  I told his dad that if he wants to go somewhere with him he had to suggest somewhere specific to get an answer out of him.  He didn’t feel he was getting anywhere, I guess, because as soon as that phone went down, he texted my son and told him he couldn’t do it anymore, and if he wanted to know him he had his number.

Woah!  I was pissed!  I thought how do you tell your 10 year old son that?  I was typing back, when I received a message from him too.  The one I received was longer, he sounded borderline upset, but what stuck out more than anything was this one line:

“He’s my first, won’t be my last, I’ll learn from my mistakes.”

That was fully loaded!

That is the second time he tried to fully write off my son.  I couldn’t believe it!

Especially to find out later that he had another baby not long after smh!

Listen here, even if my son woke up everyday and was like “Mum, I hate you!” (he hasn’t, just hypothetically speaking) there are no days off! Unless my son had me fearing for my safety in my own home, I’d just do what you need to do.  Whether I’m broke, feeling good or whatever, he is still living, breathing and “our” responsibility.  While I’ve been raising our son, this guy has been out there flossing, travelling the world, being daddy to this next kid, and now he’s sitting in pen.

Do I hate him you ask?

Hate is a strong emotion.  Lack respect, yes.

I have to find a way to still have love for him for other things otherwise this shit would mad my head:

  • He was my first for a lot of things
  • He taught me a few things that I haven’t forgotten
  • Our run together set a standard for certain things * I have to just clarify these things are just things that mean something to me personally, not a treating good ting.
  • And finally, he gave me my greatest gift to date, my heartbeat ❤

Only thing I can actually respect him for as a man is his work ethic, even though it didn’t benefit me and my son in any way.  I just make sure I speak positivity over my son and let him know the reasons I loved his dad.  I feel it’s important for him to feel he was created in love, even if it was just on my side, because I can’t speak for his dad.  I am also thankful for the fact that our genes together have made “our” amazing, genius, handsome son ❤

It’s just bittersweet.  I can say that right now, I’m not angry, it’s my time!  I’ve looked after “his” son to the best of my ability through all circumstances and I loved the piece of him in the form of my son more than any words could articulate.  I’ve loved him from the first time I was aware of his being and it was worth potentially risking my life to birth him.

Over these last nearly 16 years I ended up with the two things we actually went halves on, our Millennium Edition Monopoly board and my baby.  It is the end of that story and beginning of a new one.  So like I said earlier, we’ll see how it goes…… The picture above was taken the day before I had my son, I had no idea then this would be our story now.

I hope you enjoyed today’s story.  Feel free to share any stories or experiences you may have had that are similar or in relation to this one.  Don’t be a stranger.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx

“We Are Family” (5)

We had Parent’s Evening this week…..

and when I say I love this guy, I LOVE THIS GUY! He is amazing ❤

We are fam 5

This is our first one since he has started his GCSE journey.  He has been stressing a little bit, as you do, but especially about English.  He’s good at it, but his writing isn’t the clearest.  I spoke to the new SENCo about getting him assessed for Dyslexia, which tends to go hand in hand with Aspergers as well as Dyspraxia. The dyspraxia side we are waiting for an Occupational Therapist appointment to start the process.  I’m checking all areas just in case, whether I feel he has them or not, because I want to be able to support him in any which way that I can, in order for him to be the best that he can be.

Due to my son being high functioning, he is super clever and conversation with him is not necessarily what you would expect.  So, walking around the school, talking to the teachers and hearing how they spoke about him was really interesting.  It appears that even teachers who don’t actually teach him knew him some way or another. This could be anything from his art work, his interest in music, him being a part of Debate Mate or conversations they have with him.  What a blessing he is to so many ❤

But the best part of the evening was hearing the teacher’s speak greatness into him just like I do.  They genuinely want him to do well.  They see the greatness that I see in him and it was lovely.

Me and his secondary schools have had battles, due to their lack of understanding of him.  He likes some things a particular way and these things may appear to be rebellious to teachers and they used to try and challenge him all the time; and then here comes me lol!  Listen, let me tell you something, you see me, I’m cool, but don’t play with me and mine.  I laced them with complaints and I don’t have no qualms bringing in outside professionals to deal with them neither.  I’m not going to go into the school all guns blazing, that’s not my style.  I’ll keep that shit on paper, so it’s documented.  My son didn’t have a support plan in place for how long.  I weren’t having that!

After a number of incidents, one including a teacher who refused to call me “Miss Ebanks” or “Shomari’s Mum” when she addressed me, even though I made it clear that is way I like it (long story), they are no longer allowed to call my phone.  All correspondence has to be in written form, either via text, post or email.  You can’t chat to me if you can’t put no “Respeck on my name!” Thanks to Birdman for saying it so clear.  I live that shit!

Besides all of that, we now have an understanding and he seems a lot more settled.  So at present, all is well 🙂

All I can do for now, is to help him practice his handwriting and be there for him if he needs anything.  It’s a stressful time for him right now but he’s cool.

I hope you enjoyed today’s story.  Feel free to share any stories you may have or ask any questions.  Don’t be a stranger.

Until next time.

Forever learning and evolving,

Elisha xxx